i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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