You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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