I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
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