I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
