oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
