So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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