In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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