You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
