I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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