my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
