What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
