my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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