My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
