I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Randomize
