i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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