I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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