I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
