I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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