You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
