He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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