My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
