I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
