Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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