I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
