I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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