I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
