i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
