When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
