Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
