the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
