Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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