Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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