Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So vagazzling was a success
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
