we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
