You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
