i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
