Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Randomize
