If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize