Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
