had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
