We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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