Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Me too!
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
