So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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