I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
So many bounce houses so little time
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
