I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
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