why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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