im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
