worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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