my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
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