I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
