I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
