My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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