I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
