I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
This beer is not sobering me up at all
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize