Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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