you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I think i got beer on your cat.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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