My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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