Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize