I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
operation have a gay friend backfired
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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