bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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