Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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