i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Randomize
