My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
