before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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