who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
