I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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