i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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