the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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