Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
